My story began two years ago. I can’t begin to express my uncertainty on where to start off. I come from central/rural Nebraska a small town of roughly 30,000 people. I am 26 years old and a slowly subsiding addict. My addiction wasn’t always or if I recall ever to a critical point of being as some would say “out of control” or “all bad”. I met a beautiful young lady who is now the mother of my first and only child who is now just a little over 2 years old he will be 3 on the 21st of December in 2020. Toxicity was a bit of the big issue between me and my now ex-fiance’ mainly not communicating our issues properly and catching each other lying. I’d have the occasional night out with the guys and she would have her weekends or days out with the girls or family visits. Trusting each other with our own “me time” occasions was hard and I will admit I was overly insecure and over protective as was she. Our son was nearly born and our fighting got way out of control I ended up not being allowed to be there for the birth but a day or so later for a moment was allowed to come up and hold him for a bit. At that point we had split temporarily. I slowly fell back a bit harder into addiction and lost my bearings but never posed any immediate threat or had any real ruthless intent toward my family or hers or even her it was my issue with controlling how I let my emotions out and expressed such myself. She eventually left state to Iowa with him for a little over two weeks her family didn’t want them around me so practically forced her away from me. She wasn’t entirely honest about the whole thing and to a point as I partly suspected her, her family, and even some of my family and friends were coordinating and in agreement behind my back which to this day I have a feeling this could have began. As we had argued and had numerous moments of distrust and tension the evident perception grew gradually that I was abusive or a threat. Time went on and I battled with my own emotions suppressing assumption until i had hit a sequence of breaking points which ultimately many texts and photos of personal and classified nature were already circulating as we fought and fell apart. Eventually for reasons unknown to me I had the surprise of her returning to me with my recently newborn son. We had decided to patch things up and I was happy to do so. I would go to work and come home to help take care of my son and spend time with them both. It didn’t last very long as our mistrust and arguing would begin again and things would fall apart. I began to assume my friends were going behind my back with her and as much as I would suppress these feelings and tell myself this was wrong I would eventually slip and fail again and addiction crept back into the picture gradually once more. I would still keep my morals and priorities about me and in place to the best of my ability each time it periodically made its way into my life and muscle through the days for them. In the end after moving in to an apartment and getting into routine as parents it ultimately had fallen apart between us again. She had eventually moved back to Iowa and I had moved back in with my family. The crippling depression and growing addiction and pain had reached a level I could no longer handle myself. I had decided to move 3 hours away to the city of Omaha, Nebraska. I had my aunt/other mom figure best friends with my mom who had passed away from cihrosis of the liver that same April who I must add was my whole entire foundation for years. My best friend the one I could come to with anything in any state of mind or life without any shift in judgment or love towards me. I went out there with my long time friend and brother to get away because I was becoming more and more destructive and he was falling apart in his life back home as well. I was going absolutely mad and driving my friends away and accusing them and just being all around hurtful to them. My family was dealing with enough. I will share more and the rest of this story in my next article/post. Hopefully this gives you a decent insight into the beginning of this hellish journey. We are human. We are one. We have worth. We deserve to love ourselves others and be loved. You are not alone. We are in this together. To the bitter or bright end. Safety and blessings. Until the next time. Stay tuned.